Put your coffee down before you read this.

I copied this from another blog. Be sure to read my story at the end.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary;with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

I am reading this and I get to the end and I start lol. Dh wants to know what is so funny. So I read the whole thing to him. He smiles no laugh. I say come on you know this is funny.

Fast forward a few weeks and we go out to eat. I park on an incline that is so steep my ds says why didn't they spend a little more money and level this out. It was a new restaurant. We come out and get in the car. I promise it was at least an hour later. They were very slow. I put the car in reverse back out of the parking spot. I am about to pull out of the parking lot when my car starts beeping very loudly. Real loud I look at the control panel and it says in big read letters "RELEASE PARKING BRAKE !".

Ok maybe it didn't say release parking brake but it did say the parking brake was on. I started laughing and said at least this car tells you what you are doing wrong.

Did I mention my last truck we had to replace the parking brake cable. I guess I drove with it on to many times. It never beeped or told me it was on.

I looked at dh and said now do you think that story was funny. He said maybe. I did and laughed some more.

Multi-Purpose Swiffer

Ok this is going to be one of those all over the place post. Last weekend we were spending time with another family. During our conversation some how it turned to the night I was going to kill the rattlesnake with a water hose.

We had just come home and it was almost dark. Suddenly the kids start screaming that the cat is about to get bit by a rattlesnake. I look to where they are pointing and see the cat swatting at a snake. How the kids knew it was a rattlesnake I don't know. They were standing on the deck further from the cat and snake than I was. I had to act fast. I grabbed the water hose turned it on and squirted the cat and snake. The cat went one way and the snake the other. I am standing there holding the water hose when DH comes out the door. The kids had ran in and told him I was killing a rattlesnake with a water hose. DH did look for the snake and found it. It was not a rattlesnake.

Later he asked me exactly what was I planning on doing with the water hose. He had never heard of a snake being sprayed to death. I told him I was trying to get the cat away from the snake. I knew cats did not like being sprayed with water so I was hoping the cat would run from the water. It worked. May not of been the best idea but it worked.

So now the other couple is laughing hysterically. She says I hope you are writing these things down. You are to funny. I laughed and said yes I should. I didn't dare tell her I share it all here for the world to read. What if she knew all the crazy things I do. She would probably find it funny. I am not ready to share the blog with everyone.

OK so what does this have to do with my multi-purpose swiffer?

The kids had went to get the eggs. My daughter comes running back in saying she thinks she heard a rattlesnake. I tell them to stay in the house and I will go check. So I start to go out the door and think I need something in case there is a snake. So I grab my handy dandy swiffer.

There was no snake. Sometimes some kind of bug sounds like a rattle. Must of been what it was.

I got the eggs, came in and put up my swiffer.
Fast forward to that night. We are talking to several parents at yet another kid activity. Something comes up about snakes. Quickly my dd tells them. "My mom was going to kill a rattlesnake with her swiffer." They start laughing. They all want to hear the story. One of the dads tells my son, next time your mom decides to look for a snake with the swiffer get the video camera.

OH my gosh what are they thinking. I can see my kids now following me around waiting for that funniest home video moment. Good thing none of them knew about the water hose and snake.


So that is when I decided the swiffer was multi-purpose. You can mop your floors and then use it to keep the snakes away. Had I seen a snake I would of been going the other way very quickly.

The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I was talking to my oldest daughter today. She was telling me a contractor was coming to her mother in laws house today. Here is what she told me.

DD: His name is Butch, so I kept telling myself remember it's like a dog's name.

ME : Laughing

DD: Well he called today and I was telling mom in law he called and was coming by. The only problem is I called him Spike.

Me: Laughing out Loud and louder and louder.

My Bed gets more action than yours.

The other night as I was changing the sheets on the bed I shared a story with my husband.

Me: Did you know B told that she went six months with out changing the sheets on her bed. She said when she finally did her husband didn't even notice.

DH: Oh my gosh how do they stand it.

Me: I know I told her, your bed must not get as much action as mine.

DH: You did not say that !!

Me: Oh yes I did. I told her a dog usually chases a cat across my bed. Most of the time one or both of them have dirty muddy feet. Sometimes I find the dog or cat sleeping in my bed. So my sheets are washed very often. Sometimes every day.