Wednesday, December 3, 2008

It all happened in one apartment......part 1

I was thinking about an old friend the other day and so many memories came back. I was laughing out loud and was all alone in a store. I knew I should of been focusing on what I was buying and not what happened almost 20 years ago. I decided to share some of the stories here.
One night we stopped by the apartment to pick up one of the guys who lived there C. C. wasn't ready when we got there. He was running around like a crazy person to get ready. He slept on a fold out couch in the dining area. The couch was folded out and blocked the entry to the kitchen. One of his shoes was in the kitchen. He was running and jumped on the fold out bed and was planning on running across the bed to the kitchen. The couch had other plans it folded up on him. He was now stuck in the couch. This was the funniest thing I had ever seen. He was screaming for help and I was laughing. I couldn't help because I could not stop laughing. The person with me was laughing to. Finally C. yelled help me, I think my leg is broke. We were still laughing but unfolded the couch to get him out. He was fine. I never saw that couch folded out again unless he was sleeping in it. I think he learned it was worth the two minutes to fold up his blankets and fold up the couch.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Another Driver YELLED at me........

We went to the mini city yesterday. We had a activity near the mini city so I told DS we could go and stop at the book store. The bookstore happens to be at the mall. Here was the plan we would stop, run in and get the books he wanted and leave. I did not know the Christmas chaos had already started. The parking lot was a mad house. I kept driving around looking for a parking spot. I finally saw two cars getting ready to pull out so I was waiting for one of them. Guess what they start backing out directly towards each other. I can see one driver so I am waving my hand to stop, I am honking and honking. He finally stops and looks at me and yells WHAT!!!!!!!!!!
I can tell from his body language he is very mad at me. He looks tense his shoulders are about to touch his ears. I am still honking because the other car is still backing up. I point behind him. He starts honking and trying to go forward. At the very last second the other car finally stops. At first I wasn't sure if the other car had hit him or not. It was that close. Then he looked at me and his death grip on his steering wheel was loosened and his shoulder dropped back down and he said THANKS. He pulled forward the other car finished backing up and then he backed out and left. Don't you know I didn't get either parking space. I was waiting for the other one. Some car on the other side zipped into it. The one with the guy was to small for me. My kids thought this was the funniest thing ever. They both commented I can't believe neither one of them saw the other one. I am just glad they didn't wreck. We would still be there, with the traffic jam that would of caused. I will not be returning to the mall until June. I will be doing my shopping from the comfort of my home.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

If I call and tell you about a tornado....

If I call and tell you there was just a tornado near your home, knowing you are not there.....
Just ignore me. Maybe I was watching future track and maybe it fell apart before it got there. Maybe you should wait to start calling neighbors finding out what happened. After all it hasn't happened yet. Maybe it won't even happen. Maybe I will call you back in a few minutes and tell you never mind.
Don't ask I am not telling you who I did this to. Kind of like you guys will never know who gave me their bra on the side of the highway.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Need an invitation to dinner?

I was talking to a friend and asked how her dinner party went. She said I don't know I think they were bored to death.
I said What you didn't table dance for them?
Her husband said We should of invited them for dinner.

Monday, November 3, 2008

My birthday dinner......

My birthday dinner by request…..

I never blogged about my birthday dinner and a friend asked me to. Several friends took me out to dinner for my birthday. At the table across from us I promise the couple was getting ready to clear the table. It was like watching an x-rated movie. If my kids were with me I would of nicely asked the couple to get a room. Since I was with friends we just laughed loudly about it. One of the moms at our table kept pulling up her shirt flashing everyone. I can’t believe no one else noticed. Oh yeah she was nursing a baby. It just sounds funnier to say she was flashing everyone. When I was in high school I had a friend who flashed people her boobs all the time. One time I was driving and this guy was riding his bike down the road. My friend rolled down the window, leaned out and flashed the guy. He rode right off the road. It was so funny. I guess our days of flashing people and skinny dipping are over. Now we just laugh at the people around us and make up wild stories about them. I guess when I am closer to 5o than 40 my parties... oh yeah I am going to Australia then so I will have wild party. By then 50 will be the new 20.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Update to why I was blogging at...

I just wanted to update everyone to my early morning. DH was very wrong. I was up that early and felt like I had all the time in the world. I ended up being in a rush to get out the door. I was putting my make-up on in the car after we got to where we were going. So having an extra hour did not work in my favor. It just gave me time to blog and do a load of laundry.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Why am I blogging at 5:55am?

I have great advice I wish someone would of given me before last night. When you ask some one to wake you up when they leave, make sure you know what time they are leaving first.

99 percent of the time my dh leaves for work at 6:30am. 1 percent of the time he leaves earlier. This was one of those mornings. He gets up to get in the shower and wakes me up. I am extremely tired. I am wondering why I am so tired. I am stumbling through the kitchen to let the dog out. I am trying to make my coffee maker work. I have a Senseo Coffee Pod system. I have this so I do not have to measure coffee and put it in a filter while trying to wake up. This morning I am having problems getting the pod in the little basket thingy.

I am clearly not waking up. Many mornings I wake up on my own when dh gets up. Why am I so tired today? Finally dh tells me why. Here is our conversation

DH: It's only 5:15am.
Me: It is not! I can't focus on the clock to see if he is telling the truth. I walk in the kitchen where I can see the clock. It is 5:15 am. Why on earth did you wake me up this early?
Dh: YOU TOLD ME TO! (I can not believe he actually said this)
Me:But you didn't tell me you were getting up at 5:00am.
DH: You didn't ask.
Me: Geez thanks, maybe when I told you to wake me up you could of mentioned you were getting up at 5:00am.
Dh: At least now you won't be in a mad rush to get out of here this morning.
Me: I kind of like the mad rush, it gets me moving in the morning.

So now we are all ready to go and have an hour and half to burn. I am writing this when I could be in bed sleeping. Maybe I will go put on my make up instead of doing it in 5 minutes when we get to where we are going.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

An old post I never posted from May

I almost died yesterday!!!….. Really……

Ok so I have not had one post in all of May. Let me explain. It seems May in the busiest month of the year. All this time I thought it was December.

We had 4H end of year party, Girl Scout Awards, Boy Scout Camp out, Presidential Fitness Awards. I am sure I am forgetting a few things. Add to that Baseball and you are booked.

We also had a couple of really bad storms. One of those storms knocked out the tower for the Internet. We were without the Internet for over a week. I have decided I am addicted. It was a rough week but I made it through.

We also have been working over time on the garden.

Now how I almost died yesterday.

My dd wanted to go check on the garden. So we went out and pulled weeds, checked what was growing and etc. We were ready to come in and were walking up the steps when dd screamed. She put her hand out to stop me. Like a mother would do to protect her children from danger. I should of turned and run then. But instead I stepped in front of my daughter to protect her from the danger.

Well standing in front of me was a cat with a mouse hanging out of his mouth. I screamed and ran. I don’t really remember running or screaming. Next thing I know my daughter is standing next to me in the driveway asking me what’s wrong. I am still screaming. She is telling me to calm down. Then she tells me the cat is gone now. It is ok. I am still screaming. She assures me the cat is gone and the mouse is gone. We slowly walk back to the house. I get in the house and I am still screaming. She keeps telling me to calm down. By now ds is wondering what’s wrong. DD tells him. He gets me a glass of water.

I finally calm down. See if there had been a snake on the porch I would of remained calm and handled the situation. But mice and rats I can’t handle it. I have this phobia it is real. I can’t help it.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Quote of the day.....

Dd was letting the dog in and said " You should not leave dogs outside all the time. They are really just like people only naughtier."

I thought this was so funny. What's even funnier we have a dog that lives outside all the time. we have two dogs in the house and one who lives outside full time. I guess since the outside dog has a job protecting the chickens it doesn't count????

Saturday, September 20, 2008

What is THAT dog barking at........

This phrase has been said quite often lately. Over the last week or two the dog has been barking for no reason. This is the dog who usually never barks. Recently he has started barking at nothing. He will not stop he stands there and barks and barks. The other day I had enough and decided to go search for something he was barking at. I found it. A snake skin on the bookcase. Don't be alarmed this was found outside and brought it. Maybe that is alarming. The other night the dog was barking at a the container that has all the Nintendo DS games in it. Dh asked what is THAT dog barking at. Dd said the DS games. I thought it was a little strange he was barking at the DS games but THAT dog is a little strange. Then latter the dog who barks all the time was walking by the container that has the DS games and stopped several feet away. You could tell she was smelling something. She then made a huge detour around the container watching the container the entire time. Now I had to go check out the container. You guessed it the snake skin was in the container.

Now I have to call our dog trainer and make an appointment for THAT dog to get snake proofed. The dog who barks all the time but didn't bark at the snake skin was snaked proofed several years ago. She wanted nothing to do with it. THAT dog was interested in it. Now I have proof snake proofing really works. These are hunting dogs who spend time running in fields and have a good chance of encountering a snake. They have a rattlesnake vaccine but I would prefer not finding out how well that works.

Who knew dogs could smell a snake skin. I am wondering how they know what a snake skin smells like? Why if they can smell the snake skin do they not think they stink when they get sprayed by a skunk. I know they don't care if they have been sprayed by a skunk. How do I know this? Because they have been sprayed more than once. If I got sprayed by a skunk it would only take me one time to know to stay FAR away from skunks.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Swiffer again.........

I should do an infomercial for Swiffer. This would air on the rural living channel. Really there is a channel on TV that is for people living in Rural America. I am not sure what it is called but scan your channels and you will find it.

We have found yet another use for our handy dandy Swiffer.

Getting praying mantises off the ceiling. Now you might be wondering why a Praying Mantis was on my ceiling. It all started when I asked ds to let the dog out. He let the dog out and told dd you should see this. It was a spider web right by the door, under the porch light. Several bugs were caught in the web. Dd said she needed help. A praying mantis was stuck in the web. Ds got a drumstick the kind for playing drums not eating. He was able to get the praying mantis out of the web. He was trying to put the praying mantis on the porch when some how it ended up in the house.

After much screaming it was on the ceiling. I got a paper towel to try to catch it while standing on the arm of the couch. More screaming and it is now in the kitchen on the ceiling. Dd is screaming get it, if it touches the light it will die. I am running around trying to find things to stand on to catch it.

Then the Swiffer came to the rescue again. I grabbed it and held the end to the ceiling. Almost as if he knew our plan the praying mantis walked right to the Swiffer and climbed on. I walked to the front door stuck the swiffer outside and praying mantis flew away.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Is it a rental car or an emergency spare?

I drive a large SUV. I have driven a SUV for over 15 years. This week my suv is going in the shop for a strange sound. It has been making this sound since a few weeks after we bought it. The thing is every time I go to the dealership it stops. They have had it there several times no sound. Last week we were wasting time waiting for DS to get out of class. It made the sound. We quickly drove to the dealership got the service manager and went back to the parking lot the sound happened in. It must have had something to do with the incline. It made the sound for him. Yeah, I was so happy he probably thought I was crazy. I was just happy he finally heard the sound and knew I wasn’t crazy.

That brings us to tonight. We are going to the Big City on Wednesday. Here is the conversation about that trip.

Me: My truck is going into the shop this week.
DH : Why?
Me: For the weird noise it makes.
DH: ok
Me: That means we will have a rental car.
DH: So….
Me: Do you really want to drive a Ford Escort to the city?
DH: People drive them everywhere, every day.
Me: Sure they do.
DH: Of course they do. It’s car.
Me: I’m not sure, I think of it more like the little spare tire they put on some cars. The ones with the warning don’t drive for more than 50 miles. Don’t exceed speeds of 40mph.
DH: I am sure Ford would be glad to hear that.
Me: No not just Fords I love Fords. That’s all we have driven. It’s all little cars. I think they should have warning labels on them.
DH: Laughing.
Me: Maybe I will just see if the truck can go in the shop when we get back.
I just read this post to DH and his response. Well I would rather not drive a little car to the city. So he agrees it’s like an emergency spare. Only use it when you have to.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

You say it's your birthday......

It was my birthday and I was trying to come up with a symbolic post for the day. I failed. Every time I thought of something I could not expand on it.

The kids and I were in the car driving. I can’t begin to tell you how many miles my kids have ridden in a car, truck or SUV. But my youngest has easily logged 200,000 miles. They are great in the car. The entertainment has changed over the years. They look out the window, listen, watch and play Audio Cd’s, DVDs, game systems, checkers, cards, read books and just talk When you spend as much time in the car as us you get creative.

Today ds was reading a book and dd was listening to an audio book. I can’t read in the car it makes me carsick.

I will get to the point. I know I ramble when I type just like when I talk.

We were driving down the highway and suddenly for a brief second these little drops of water fell on my windshield. I thought did someone turn on a sprinkler. Oops, I had actually said it out loud. Both kids look at the windshield and asked what happened. I said I don’t know. We were driving down the highway in rural America we were not in the suburbs. No sprinkler systems out here. I spent too many years driving around neighborhoods with the sprinklers watering the street. Both kids said what do you think that was?

DD said I think it’s sprinkling. DS I don’t know, I don’t see any clouds.

I said I think a few little drops of rain fell from the sky. Both kids said maybe so.

I think it has been so long since we have seen rain none of us could really imagine it might be rain.

It was then and there on this highway in the middle of nowhere I had my birthday post. Nothing earth shattering, no great words of wisdom, just the kids and I trying to figure out what these drops of water were on my windshield. This is my life and I love it, even if it’s not always pee in your pants funny.

Now I am another year closer to 40. I am wondering when I turn 40 do I change the name of the blog.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I think it's just her.......

My dd has outgrown all of her clothes. This really did happen over night. One morning she got up and none of her clothes fit. Knowing this could not really be possible I went in her room with her to find something to wear.

I soon came out of her room in need of a large trash bag. We quickly filled it with clothes that were too small. We ended up using 3 trash bags. When we were done we had bags of clothes and a closet full of empty hangers. She really had outgrown all her clothes over night.

That brings us to today. We went shopping for new clothes.
Dd was trying on clothes. We found a couple of pair of Capri's and Bermuda shorts. Adjustable waist is the best thing ever!

Then we needed to find a couple shirts. In this new size we have a new problem. Most of the shirts are dippy. Yes dippy. Dippy translates to, too low cut. She tried on shirt after shirt and the verdict was the same, too dippy. She was trying on one last shirt and she says MOM I NEED HELP. I go in the dressing room and she is standing there with the shirt half on and half off. The security tag was stuck in her hair. She has really long hair.

I started trying to get it out. I could not. I have always wanted to be psychic and now I was. I had visions of the security tag exploding with ink covering the shirt, dd and me. So I tell ds to go get the lady to help us. He says no way! That is to embarrassing. I tell him we need help go get her.

Dd manages to put her shirt on with the security tag sticking out. We get the lady and she starts to try to get the tag out. She can’t do it. The tag remover is on the counter. It is not hand held. So we go to the sales counter and now other employees are trying to help.

No luck. They decide to lift dd up onto the counter and try to use the tag remover. The tag won’t reach the tag remover. They try to get the tag and hair to come up through her shirt so they have a little more hair to work with. No luck. So they lift her back up on the counter and lay her back and presto the tag is deactivated. She is free.

Part of the problem was the tag remover was to close to the cash register. They really need to rethink that design. Maybe have it on the edge.

I am sure this has never happened before. I am sure it will never happen again. Maybe having it right next to the register is ok.
We were sharing this story with some friends. Their response was who does this happen to. Dh responded I think it’s just her (meaning me). Then he says my older daughter got her eyelid stuck in her zipper one time. It was one of those old navy half zip fleece pullovers. Oh well you can never say our life is boring.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Do you read your emails before you send them?????

Do you read your emails before you send them???

My dh often ask me do you read your emails before you send them? Heck no, I am too busy for that. Well after today I may reconsider that advice. I emailed an old friend about a different old friend. I said I had not heard from this friend in years and would really like to know how she was doing. The friend I emailed is not someone I ever talk to now. Haven’t seen him in more years than I can count. So imagine my surprise when he emailed back and said you might want to check your spelling. Excuse me, your correcting MY spelling. We all know I NEVER make spelling mistakes. I know spell check is my friend when I remember to use it, which is not often. Everyone who gets regular emails from me knows I am a horrible speller. This person does not know that. So why is he correcting my spelling. I read the rest of the email.

You may want to check your spelling or do you really want to WHO she is doing?

I started laughing so hard I was crying. I had switched the words HOW and WHO. Hey they have all the same letters. So maybe I will start reading my emails before I hit the send button.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Cup of ice........

We were at an outdoor event and I had a cup of ice. I asked dh told hold my cup. When I came back it was sitting on the ground. Gee thanks. I start to eat the ice and notice something is in there. Brilliant idea time. Some of the ice has melted I will just dump the water out and the something will come out. I am holding the top of the ice so it doesn’t all fall out. I am even standing over a trashcan so the water doesn’t splash dirt on me when it hits the ground. I have thought of everything. At least I think I have. I start to pour and suddenly realize what I didn’t think about. I have the camera around my neck and I am not holding the cup far enough away to miss the camera. I jump back extending my arms further away hoping to miss the camera. I look up and a young man is sitting in a chair in front of me. He is trying his best not to laugh. He is falling further down in his chair and trying to cover his face with his cup. He sees me watching him, oh no. I look at him and say LAUGH it was funny. I was laughing. He sits up in his chair, uncovers his face and is laughing. He is still laughing and says it’s ok it happens to all of us. Such a sweet young man, little does he know it happens to me daily. In case you are wondering I did miss the camera with the water. If it didn’t have that long zoom lenses this would of never happened.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I don't know what I was thinking.......

I don't know what I was thinking when I stuck the $50.00 bill in my steering wheel. I probably wasn't thinking.
I was sitting at a drive thru window and folded the bill. Something about it made me wonder if I could slide it inside this little thing in the steering wheel. It worked !Next thought was wonder if it could go all the way to the other side. Suddenly it buzzed. It sounded like a bug zapper. I quickly pulled it out and said I won't do that again.Dh said what did you do?
I started laughing and each time I tried to tell him I laughed harder. Of course this is when the girl comes to the window for my money. I hand it to her with tears in my eyes. I can't stop laughing. By now the kids are laughing, why I have no idea. Probably because I am laughing so hard I am crying and the girl at the window is staring at me like I have lost my mind. DH is staring at me like he knows I have lost my mind.He ask again what did you do and why did it sound like a bug zapper. I told him I put the $50 in my steering wheel and when I did it buzzed like a bug zapper. I quickly pulled it out because I thought the air bag was about to go off on me.

I am not sure why I did it and glad nothing bad happened. I need to remember to think before I do things. I need to ask myself what might happen if I do this. Really do I want to call a tow truck and have to tell them my airbag went off because I stuck a $50 in the steering wheel?

How to keep cool

A few weeks ago it was really hot, and I discovered something really cool. I turned the air on high turned the vent just right and raised my elbow with my hand on the steering wheel. Guess what happens. I can make the air go up my sleeve around my back and back out the other sleeve. Of course you have to have everything just right for this to happen. I asked the kids if they wanted to see if they could feel the air coming out the other sleeve., they did.
Don't worry I wasn't driving when I was doing this we were stopped at a convenience store. Dh came out and said what are you doing?????? I told him and asked if he wanted to feel the air coming out my sleeve and he declined. It really is cool.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

5 words swingers should not say......

To all the swingers out there I might have lunch with some day please do not say "He can go either way". Even if you are talking about pizza toppings.

This was so funny. I was trying so hard not to laugh. Of course we weren't suppose to know you were a swinger. Of course you look just like us and every one else there. There could of been 10 other swingers in Chuck E. Cheese that day. But you said those 5 words. Those 5 words that would make me burst into laughter for the rest of my life. Now my friends can not say, "what ever I can go either way". With out me laughing.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Where's The Beef?

Didn't Wendy’s have the commercial with the lady saying Where’s the beef?
Yesterday the kids and I stopped at Wendy’s for lunch. We ordered from the Value Menu. It’s not a dollar menu maybe it never was. We don’t eat at Wendy’s enough to know. Anyways when I sat down with my burger I needed to add pepper. This is when the fun started. I took off the top bun and said Where’s the beef? It was missing. Upon closer examination I realized it was there. It was a 2” square. It was maybe an 1/8 of an inch thick.

My first thought was I have to get a picture of this. I was about to run to the car for my camera and remembered I had left it at home. Why was my camera at home? I needed a picture of this.

The 1.00 menu has items for 1.19 and 1.29, which would be why it’s the value menu instead of the dollar menu. I wanted to go order more items to see how they had shrunk. I had heard prices were going up or the size was shrinking but this was ridiculous.

I am planning a trip to Wendy’s real soon. I am going to order different things from the menu and take pictures. Maybe I will go to McDonald's and take pictures there to. Who all has dollar menus or Value Menus?

Yes it is a hot boring summer. I need something to do. My son wants me to mention the bread was very dry and tasted a year old. Both kids said, “We really need to start packing food again so we don’t have to eat out when we are away from home”. So maybe it was good thing.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

It's all fun and games until.....

It's all fun and games until the 2 liter of root beer starts spraying inside your SUV. We had just returned from the grocery store and the fun began. I opened the back of the SUV and a 2 liter of root beer fell out of the back. My first reaction was we won't be opening that any time soon. That reaction quickly changed to oh my gosh it's spraying all over me. DS and I took off running. DD was in a different direction and not being sprayed. She was just watching. Then she started screaming "The truck". DS and I turn to see the bottle has flipped and is now spraying root beer in to the back of our fairly new suv. I am in shock for a moment. I stare in disbelief. Luckily dd is thinking and takes her clean clothes in to her own hands and runs into the shower of root beer to save the suv. She grabs the 2 liter and throws it away from the suv. We are all safe now thanks to Super DD.

This is the suv no one is allowed to drink sodas in. The one we are trying to keep clean. Who knew it would be covered in soda just from a trip to the grocery store. We spent the next hour cleaning root beer out of the back of the suv.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Fire Works or Frogs

I hope every one had a fabulous 4th of July. Ours was busy but wonderful.

Both kids were in the parade. One in 4H and the other in Boy Scouts. How small town is that? On the way home Dh asked the kids did you see any of your friends during the parade route. They both said no. I said how are they going to see any of their friends all their friends were in the parade?

Later in the afternoon we went to a cook out at a friends house. The food was great and after we ate the kids played soccer with the 20 something guys.

It was getting dark and we started getting things ready for the fire works. We were all sitting on a concrete patio outside their barn.

This a beautiful barn. I always want their barn. : )

We were sitting out waiting for the fire works to start. We can see the neighbors a few houses down have set up their chairs and they are all facing our direction. Dh said can you imagine what they said when they invited their guest over. Hey we are having a cook out come over and you can watch our neighbor shoot off their fire works.

It became a joke that the neighbors were having a competition with our host to have the best fire works. Our host won by a landslide. It was not even close.

It was one of the best firework displays I have seen. I have seen fire works put on by cities that did not have as many. During the fire works one of the kids caught a frog. All the kids were looking at the frog and it got away. So suddenly all the kids were looking for the frog. None were watching the fire works. They had a frog to find. They gave up on the frog and went back to watching fire works. I was laughing frogs or fireworks?

July 4th 2008 - Fire Works or Frogs.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Why I don't like Wal-Mart

I am sure I could make a list of 1,000 reasons I don't like Wal-Mart, but here are a couple.

1. The guy that uses the little cart thing that brings in the buggies has hit a car in the parking lot twice.

2. Two employees at wal-mart got in a fight while they were working.

3. Our local wal-mart is always out of chalk board chalk. I don't need sidewalk chalk.

4. I always spend to much money when I go there.

Anyone have anything to add to the list?????

Monday, June 23, 2008

Put your coffee down before you read this.

I copied this from another blog. Be sure to read my story at the end.


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary;with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

I am reading this and I get to the end and I start lol. Dh wants to know what is so funny. So I read the whole thing to him. He smiles no laugh. I say come on you know this is funny.

Fast forward a few weeks and we go out to eat. I park on an incline that is so steep my ds says why didn't they spend a little more money and level this out. It was a new restaurant. We come out and get in the car. I promise it was at least an hour later. They were very slow. I put the car in reverse back out of the parking spot. I am about to pull out of the parking lot when my car starts beeping very loudly. Real loud I look at the control panel and it says in big read letters "RELEASE PARKING BRAKE !".

Ok maybe it didn't say release parking brake but it did say the parking brake was on. I started laughing and said at least this car tells you what you are doing wrong.

Did I mention my last truck we had to replace the parking brake cable. I guess I drove with it on to many times. It never beeped or told me it was on.

I looked at dh and said now do you think that story was funny. He said maybe. I did and laughed some more.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Multi-Purpose Swiffer

Ok this is going to be one of those all over the place post. Last weekend we were spending time with another family. During our conversation some how it turned to the night I was going to kill the rattlesnake with a water hose.

We had just come home and it was almost dark. Suddenly the kids start screaming that the cat is about to get bit by a rattlesnake. I look to where they are pointing and see the cat swatting at a snake. How the kids knew it was a rattlesnake I don't know. They were standing on the deck further from the cat and snake than I was. I had to act fast. I grabbed the water hose turned it on and squirted the cat and snake. The cat went one way and the snake the other. I am standing there holding the water hose when DH comes out the door. The kids had ran in and told him I was killing a rattlesnake with a water hose. DH did look for the snake and found it. It was not a rattlesnake.

Later he asked me exactly what was I planning on doing with the water hose. He had never heard of a snake being sprayed to death. I told him I was trying to get the cat away from the snake. I knew cats did not like being sprayed with water so I was hoping the cat would run from the water. It worked. May not of been the best idea but it worked.

So now the other couple is laughing hysterically. She says I hope you are writing these things down. You are to funny. I laughed and said yes I should. I didn't dare tell her I share it all here for the world to read. What if she knew all the crazy things I do. She would probably find it funny. I am not ready to share the blog with everyone.

OK so what does this have to do with my multi-purpose swiffer?

The kids had went to get the eggs. My daughter comes running back in saying she thinks she heard a rattlesnake. I tell them to stay in the house and I will go check. So I start to go out the door and think I need something in case there is a snake. So I grab my handy dandy swiffer.

There was no snake. Sometimes some kind of bug sounds like a rattle. Must of been what it was.

I got the eggs, came in and put up my swiffer.
Fast forward to that night. We are talking to several parents at yet another kid activity. Something comes up about snakes. Quickly my dd tells them. "My mom was going to kill a rattlesnake with her swiffer." They start laughing. They all want to hear the story. One of the dads tells my son, next time your mom decides to look for a snake with the swiffer get the video camera.

OH my gosh what are they thinking. I can see my kids now following me around waiting for that funniest home video moment. Good thing none of them knew about the water hose and snake.

So that is when I decided the swiffer was multi-purpose. You can mop your floors and then use it to keep the snakes away. Had I seen a snake I would of been going the other way very quickly.

Friday, June 6, 2008

The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I was talking to my oldest daughter today. She was telling me a contractor was coming to her mother in laws house today. Here is what she told me.

DD: His name is Butch, so I kept telling myself remember it's like a dog's name.

ME : Laughing

DD: Well he called today and I was telling mom in law he called and was coming by. The only problem is I called him Spike.

Me: Laughing out Loud and louder and louder.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

My Bed gets more action than yours.

The other night as I was changing the sheets on the bed I shared a story with my husband.

Me: Did you know B told that she went six months with out changing the sheets on her bed. She said when she finally did her husband didn't even notice.

DH: Oh my gosh how do they stand it.

Me: I know I told her, your bed must not get as much action as mine.

DH: You did not say that !!

Me: Oh yes I did. I told her a dog usually chases a cat across my bed. Most of the time one or both of them have dirty muddy feet. Sometimes I find the dog or cat sleeping in my bed. So my sheets are washed very often. Sometimes every day.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Questions people ask.......

When my daughter was 2 she had beautiful curly light blond hair. She was called Shirley Temple so many times she started answering to Shirley.

I was asked weekly if I dyed her hair? Excuse me she is 2. Oh does she have a perm? Excuse me she is 2. Oh did you curl it? Excuse me she is 2.

Sometimes I would say yes she gets a perm every two months and we bleach it every week. Really what were these people thinking.

Fast forward a couple of years and her hair is dark blond and straight.
So we no longer get the questions from before. It has been nice and I had almost forgotten about all the silly questions. That is until tonight. I was at the store buying bottled water. I know not good for the environment. Our city water failed a test and is not safe for drinking. So we are drinking bottled water.

Anyways the lady was commenting on how much water I was buying and wanting to know if that was just for our family. Yes we drink water. We don't drink sodas. We drink water.

Then came the question. DO YOU DO HER EYEBROWS. I said excuse me? She said it again. Do you do her eyebrows? Before I could stop myself I said Are you kidding me? She said they are so pretty. I said well that's just the way they are. I should of had some really good answer but I was never expecting this one.

Who would pluck or wax their child's eyebrows. Really we all know how that worked out for me. Why would I do that to my child.

So next time you are tempted to ask a mom a question about their child's appearance DON'T unless you want them to go home and blog about it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The #1 reason you need a landline phone.

I had our home phone disconnected a few weeks ago. We never used it, so why not?

When I called to disconnect the lady told me all the reason we should keep it. I told her that's ok we will be fine. In fact it took my dh over a week to realize it had been disconnected. We use our cell phones all the time. He calls me when I am at home on my cell phone. Everyone does.

We have not missed the landline phone at all. That is until yesterday. I now know why you need your landline phone.


I was going into complete panic mode. We were leaving and I could not find my cell phone. I kept thinking what am I going to do. I thought about running to the neighbors and having her call it. Then I realized it would be a 3 mile run over there and back. Oh yeah I could drive over there and tell her wait 5 minutes and call. Then I thought she will think I am crazy. So forget that idea. I finally found it. I had put it in the box of girl scout badges I had been ironing on.

My kids have been wanting cell phones. Maybe I will get them one so when I lose mine I can use theirs to call mine.

If the lady at the phone company would of said "How are you going to call your cell phone when you can't find it?"

Those few simple words and we might still have our landline phone. Maybe I should call the phone company and tell them to put that at the top of their ten reasons you need a landline phone.

So before you disconnect your landline phone ask yourself " How will I call my cell phone when I can't find it?"

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I have readers....

I have 4 loyal readers and I thank you. Actually I have 5 but one didn't leave a comment. I know he is out there though because he has mentioned my posts before.

So to my 5 loyal readers thank you.

Melissa was correct it isn't so much that people are reading as it is I have no idea who is reading.

Gina, I had forgotten all about the napkin that looked like toilet paper. I laughed so hard when I read your comment, I am laughing now. That was the funniest day ever.

OK for funny stories... this is a good short one.

I was helping a friend move and we were a bit delirious from being so busy all day.

We were both going up the stairs at the same time. About half way up she decided to pretend to race me. She said something like ready, set, go and started to run up the stairs. I
started to run, then the idea came. I was going to run up the stairs and at the last minute leap for the top stair and yell I WON !! But the thought of doing that was to funny so I fell down on the stairs laughing and could not stop laughing. She turned and said I was kidding. I said I know I was going to leap for the top stair and yell I won. But when I thought how funny it was I just stopped and laughed.

This was so funny we both sat on the stairs laughing, thankful we were the only ones there to witness our silliness.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Sometimes I wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am talking to myself. Lately I wonder if I am typing to myself. I have only had three comments since I started this blog. OK I will admit I don't tell everyone about it. I don't post much but come on, is any one reading.

Really I think I would like it better if I knew people weren't reading. I was reading a blog and it said my wife got a haircut. It was a really cute post but I kept thinking. My dh would say my wife cut her hair because......

I do a lot of stupid, goofy, funny, silly things. It is what makes me who I am. I am a dork. Really it's true.

This weekend we were at an all day event with the kids. We had brought our lunch back to the area we were all sitting. All being kids and parents. Several families I think our group was 7 families. Ok so the goofy restaurant did not give us any napkins. My darling sweet daughter got food on her new shirt. She was freaking out needing a napkin. I asked one of the dads who was sitting in his truck if he had any napkins.

He said sure here is a whole box. It was one of those commercial size shop boxes full of paper towels that are all connected. Imagine a 1000 foot roll of paper towels all in one box in one roll. That is what he stuck out the truck window. He said take all you want. Well I had a bottle of water in one hand and with the other went to pull out one napkin. At the same time he let go of the box. I am holding the end and the whole box falls to the ground. Napkins rolling out. The box must of rolled down a hill. I am only 5 feet tall and there was at least 10 feet of napkins in my hand.

Of course everyone bust out laughing. It was funny. But how did I not know that he was going to let go of the box. I didn't know he was handing me the box. I thought I was suppose to grab what I needed and he would keep the rest.

Of course the rest of the day it was a joke about the napkins and did I need any more.

I am glad I am able to entertain everyone.

Napkins any one?????

Some maybe I am glad more people aren't reading.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

New Job Title

I have a new job title…….

I became a plastic surgeon today. We have a new puppy. He has a thing for Barbie. He likes to use Barbie as a chew toy.

This morning he stole a Barbie and before we could catch him barbie lost her head. My sweet little girl was crying. It was her favorite Barbie.

I was trying to repair Barbie. My assistant a.k.a. my daughter told me there is a pink thing in her head and you have to get that out and it snaps in here. I guess she has done this before.

I am trying to get the pink thing out and my assistant is watching. So I suggest she finish cleaning her room. No mommy I want to watch the plastic surgery.

I let her watch the plastic surgery. After all how could I refuse? She just gave me a job title I never dreamed I would have.

I knew moms had many titles, I just never knew it would some day include plastic surgeon.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Trading in my old car.

Buying a car is always an experience. We bought a new one this past weekend. We were trading in my old car. Here is a conversation we had.

DH : Where is the second key and remote to your car? (let me add when did cars you ride in on the highway start having remotes? I thought remotes went to toys.)

Me: They were run over.

DH : You ran over your keys?

Me: No some one else ran over them.

DH: Why did someone run over your keys?

Me: Probably because they were in the road.

DH: Why were your keys in the road.

Me: They must of fallen off the bumper of my truck.

DH: Oh it is starting to make sense now. (rolling his eyes) How did you find them?

Me: Some guy called me and said he found them.

DH: How did he get the number, do you have our number on your keys?

Me: The lady at the library gave him our number. Before you ask my library card is on my keys.

DH: Why did I even ask where they were in the first place? (with a bit of sarcasm)

Me: Because the sales guy wanted them.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I was hit by a ........

One day my husband, the kids and I are driving down the highway. When the back door of a trailer full of cows comes open. The truck stops. Some of the cows walk out of the trailer onto the highway. So of course we stop to help. Another truck does to. We herd the cows into a gate area. Back the trailer into the area, I park my truck across the other opening. Now no cows can get back out on the highway.

One of the men opens the door and ALL the cows come out. All the men are trying to herd the cows back into the trailer. One asked me to hold the door open. I can not see over the men. All the cows are going in the trailer.
Suddenly it was the parting of the men. Next thing I know I am face to face with a cow. I jump to get out of the way. The cow catches my arm and throws me. My flip flops stayed where I WAS standing, I land in a ditch. I look up and the cow is trying to get between my truck and a metal pole. The cow is rocking my truck. Suddenly the cow backs out of the space and gets in the trailer. I guess it gave up on it's quest for freedom.

I get in the truck and my kids are crying. I tell them it's ok everyone is ok. I am muddy and stinking now. My arm really does hurt. My sweet loving son says it not ok. You are all dirty now and we can't go get pancakes.

Pancakes !!! I was just hit by a cow !!!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

My Sunroof ......

I have nothing to write about. Nothing. OK I guess I can write about my sunroof.

I opened my sunroof and it decided to not close. I went to three places before I found a place that deals with open sunroofs. I won’t tell you how much it cost to close my sunroof. I will tell you that my husband actually asked me why was the sunroof open. I told him I wanted to see if it was raining. Actually I opened it because my daughter wanted to see a balloon that was floating away. Saying I wanted to see if it was raining sounded like a better answer though. Since then I have been thinking of reasons we open the sunroof.

1. To see if it’s raining. (Sorry this is my favorite now)
2. To see the balloon floating away.
3. To see the stars.
4. To watch the airplanes flying over us.
5. To see the bottom of the railroad tracks we are driving under.
6. For Vitamin D let the sun shine in.
7. So when we sing the people in the cars next to us can hear.
8. So I can wave at people at lights
9. To add body to my hair, nothing like a little wind to pump up your hair.
10. To enjoy the beautiful day.

Why do you open your sunroof? Why do they even put sunroofs in automobiles?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Never Pluck Your Eyebrows while...

You should never pluck your eyebrows while you are on the phone. How do I know this? Because thats what I did. When I got off the phone I realized I over plucked. I really over plucked. I think what should I do?

Then comes the next bad plan. I will cut my hair so I can have bangs to cover the eyebrows. Sounds good right?????

Ok it was going good until I was about half way done with the hair cut and the kids come in yelling the UPS man is here.

So I go outside with my over plucked eyebrows and my half cut hair and try to act like everything is ok. I kept thinking maybe I should explain all of this to him. Then I thought no I already made two mistakes let's leave it at that.

Then to top things off my dog tried to get in the truck and leave with him.

None of this would of happened if I never had to move to the country. If I still lived in the City, I could still have my eyebrows waxed. Yet another reason to move back to the City.

I will not soon forget this Valentines Day : )

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

They will think I am a a

A few weeks ago a friend and I were going to lunch. She mentioned she was going to have to pay with her debit card. She said I only have ones. I have $50.00 all in ones. I started laughing and was thinking they will think you are a waitress. About that time she said they will think I am a waitress. I really started laughing then and at the same time we looked at each other and said in a topless bar.

Ok why would a 30 something mom say such a thing? I don't know. Why would two 30 something moms say such a thing : )

I told her really you should pay with all ones. It will be funny. She wasn't up for an adventure and paid with her debit card.

So a few days later I am going through a drive through and look in my wallet and I have a huge stack of ones. I think I should pay with the ones. Of course when I get to the window I hand the lady a ten and shove the ones she gives me back into my purse.

Now I know why I always have so many ones. Ones have become the pennies of our grandparents. It is so much easier to hand someone a ten or twenty. Our ones are saved for a rainy day. Or a day you want someone to think you are a waitress.... maybe a waitress in a topless bar.

So I have decided to save my ones. I think one day when I have a cranky wal-mart cashier I will pay with all ones. I can see her face now as I count out 100 ones. I of course will make sure there is no one in line behind me. Unless of course I want the person behind me in line to think I am a waitress ...... in a ......

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Box Tops

We have been collecting box tops for a service project. The problem is I am becoming obsessed with box tops. I should of seen the signs. My first clue should of been when I bought baby wipes to go in a baby shower gift. On the outside of the package was two bonus box tops. I kept thinking is it wrong to take those? I did buy them. Would the person getting the gift think who stole my box tops?
I just could not decide if it was right or not. So I left the box tops on the baby wipes.
A few weeks later we are buying toilet paper. You have to buy cottonelle because you get box tops. The kids found a bonus pack so we can get an extra box top. Now they have my obsession with boxtops.
Later that week someone brought snacks to girl scouts and guess what was on the box? You guessed it more box tops. I asked the leader can I have the boxtops?
People are going to start hiding their boxes from me. Maybe I should start carrying scissors so I can cut out the box tops people are going to throw away.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Do you think I am funny??????

I filled out one of those silly email question forms. Things about me. Sometimes I feel them out with real answers and other times with crazy answers. Once I sent one meant to go to one friend to everyone in my address book. OK this would be great if I had put real answers. I of course had all these outrageous answers. One was that I had 10 tattoos. I have none. I had some other funny answers. I meant to send it to a friend as a joke.

Earlier this week I sent out another one of these emails. I put real answers even though some of them were funny. For places I have been I put different Texas Beaches. Others put different states and countries.

Ok on to the point of this post. One of the girls who sent it back with her answers had an answer that causes great concern for me. One of the questions said what really annoys you about people? One of her answers was "PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE FUNNY AND AREN'T"

Oh my gosh was she talking about ME !!!! Could she be talking about me? No not me I am funny. Really I am. I know I am. People tell me I am funny all the time.

So today I tell a couple of friends about this. Their response is they break out into laughter. Not a little laugh. A laugh out loud laugh. I tell them no really I am serious. They assure me I am funny. But I am still worried. Maybe she doesn't get my sense of humor.

So next time I see her I am going to try to not say anything funny. Not one funny thing.

I have some friends I can just look at and start laughing and no it's not because they are funny looking. It's because I look at them and remember just how loud they screamed when I walked in their house from the garage with a rattlesnake skin and say look what I found in your garage.

Really I am funny...........

Friday, January 18, 2008

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Several years ago driving down a country road we see a cow. OK so we see lots of cows, what was different about this cow? Well it seems it thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence and got out. This to happens often, so why still laugh about this cow. All the other cows were sticking their head through the fence to eat the grass on the other side, this cow was sticking her head through the fence to eat the grass where all the other cows were. I wanted to stop and tell the cow You silly cow you are out you can walk up and down the road and eat all the grass you want. Why do you want to eat the grass that you didn't want when you had it?

Of course since last time I got out of the truck to help some cows on the side of the highway I ended up being thrown 20 feet through the air and landing in a ditch. I decided to let this cow prove the point the grass is always greener on the other side.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

First Post

So I have spent a few weeks thinking of something to write. I have a million things I could write about. I just don't see how anything I write can be as funny as telling the story.

You really needed the visual effects. Hands waving, jumping up and down, laughing, screaming.
You really just need the full picture.

So this first post is going to be a list of the funny stories I may write about some day.

  1. I was hit by a run away cow on the side of the highway. Not my car me.
  2. Never drive with out a bra. I grew up hearing you should never drive barefoot. You should always have a pair of shoes in the car in case you break down or have a wreck. Not once did someone tell me you should always wear a bra. Now I know.
  3. When you are trying to scare a mouse out of a garage with tennis balls do NOT run out. Two grown women can suddenly become much thinner when they both want to stand on a ladder that says in big letters. WEIGHT LIMIT 200 Pounds.

OK so those were the only stories I could think of tonight. More later.