Put your coffee down before you read this.

I copied this from another blog. Be sure to read my story at the end.

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary;with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

I am reading this and I get to the end and I start lol. Dh wants to know what is so funny. So I read the whole thing to him. He smiles no laugh. I say come on you know this is funny.

Fast forward a few weeks and we go out to eat. I park on an incline that is so steep my ds says why didn't they spend a little more money and level this out. It was a new restaurant. We come out and get in the car. I promise it was at least an hour later. They were very slow. I put the car in reverse back out of the parking spot. I am about to pull out of the parking lot when my car starts beeping very loudly. Real loud I look at the control panel and it says in big read letters "RELEASE PARKING BRAKE !".

Ok maybe it didn't say release parking brake but it did say the parking brake was on. I started laughing and said at least this car tells you what you are doing wrong.

Did I mention my last truck we had to replace the parking brake cable. I guess I drove with it on to many times. It never beeped or told me it was on.

I looked at dh and said now do you think that story was funny. He said maybe. I did and laughed some more.

Multi-Purpose Swiffer

Ok this is going to be one of those all over the place post. Last weekend we were spending time with another family. During our conversation some how it turned to the night I was going to kill the rattlesnake with a water hose.

We had just come home and it was almost dark. Suddenly the kids start screaming that the cat is about to get bit by a rattlesnake. I look to where they are pointing and see the cat swatting at a snake. How the kids knew it was a rattlesnake I don't know. They were standing on the deck further from the cat and snake than I was. I had to act fast. I grabbed the water hose turned it on and squirted the cat and snake. The cat went one way and the snake the other. I am standing there holding the water hose when DH comes out the door. The kids had ran in and told him I was killing a rattlesnake with a water hose. DH did look for the snake and found it. It was not a rattlesnake.

Later he asked me exactly what was I planning on doing with the water hose. He had never heard of a snake being sprayed to death. I told him I was trying to get the cat away from the snake. I knew cats did not like being sprayed with water so I was hoping the cat would run from the water. It worked. May not of been the best idea but it worked.

So now the other couple is laughing hysterically. She says I hope you are writing these things down. You are to funny. I laughed and said yes I should. I didn't dare tell her I share it all here for the world to read. What if she knew all the crazy things I do. She would probably find it funny. I am not ready to share the blog with everyone.

OK so what does this have to do with my multi-purpose swiffer?

The kids had went to get the eggs. My daughter comes running back in saying she thinks she heard a rattlesnake. I tell them to stay in the house and I will go check. So I start to go out the door and think I need something in case there is a snake. So I grab my handy dandy swiffer.

There was no snake. Sometimes some kind of bug sounds like a rattle. Must of been what it was.

I got the eggs, came in and put up my swiffer.
Fast forward to that night. We are talking to several parents at yet another kid activity. Something comes up about snakes. Quickly my dd tells them. "My mom was going to kill a rattlesnake with her swiffer." They start laughing. They all want to hear the story. One of the dads tells my son, next time your mom decides to look for a snake with the swiffer get the video camera.

OH my gosh what are they thinking. I can see my kids now following me around waiting for that funniest home video moment. Good thing none of them knew about the water hose and snake.


So that is when I decided the swiffer was multi-purpose. You can mop your floors and then use it to keep the snakes away. Had I seen a snake I would of been going the other way very quickly.

The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I was talking to my oldest daughter today. She was telling me a contractor was coming to her mother in laws house today. Here is what she told me.

DD: His name is Butch, so I kept telling myself remember it's like a dog's name.

ME : Laughing

DD: Well he called today and I was telling mom in law he called and was coming by. The only problem is I called him Spike.

Me: Laughing out Loud and louder and louder.

My Bed gets more action than yours.

The other night as I was changing the sheets on the bed I shared a story with my husband.

Me: Did you know B told that she went six months with out changing the sheets on her bed. She said when she finally did her husband didn't even notice.

DH: Oh my gosh how do they stand it.

Me: I know I told her, your bed must not get as much action as mine.

DH: You did not say that !!

Me: Oh yes I did. I told her a dog usually chases a cat across my bed. Most of the time one or both of them have dirty muddy feet. Sometimes I find the dog or cat sleeping in my bed. So my sheets are washed very often. Sometimes every day.

Questions people ask.......

When my daughter was 2 she had beautiful curly light blond hair. She was called Shirley Temple so many times she started answering to Shirley.

I was asked weekly if I dyed her hair? Excuse me she is 2. Oh does she have a perm? Excuse me she is 2. Oh did you curl it? Excuse me she is 2.

Sometimes I would say yes she gets a perm every two months and we bleach it every week. Really what were these people thinking.

Fast forward a couple of years and her hair is dark blond and straight.
So we no longer get the questions from before. It has been nice and I had almost forgotten about all the silly questions. That is until tonight. I was at the store buying bottled water. I know not good for the environment. Our city water failed a test and is not safe for drinking. So we are drinking bottled water.

Anyways the lady was commenting on how much water I was buying and wanting to know if that was just for our family. Yes we drink water. We don't drink sodas. We drink water.

Then came the question. DO YOU DO HER EYEBROWS. I said excuse me? She said it again. Do you do her eyebrows? Before I could stop myself I said Are you kidding me? She said they are so pretty. I said well that's just the way they are. I should of had some really good answer but I was never expecting this one.

Who would pluck or wax their child's eyebrows. Really we all know how that worked out for me. Why would I do that to my child.

So next time you are tempted to ask a mom a question about their child's appearance DON'T unless you want them to go home and blog about it.

The #1 reason you need a landline phone.

I had our home phone disconnected a few weeks ago. We never used it, so why not?

When I called to disconnect the lady told me all the reason we should keep it. I told her that's ok we will be fine. In fact it took my dh over a week to realize it had been disconnected. We use our cell phones all the time. He calls me when I am at home on my cell phone. Everyone does.

We have not missed the landline phone at all. That is until yesterday. I now know why you need your landline phone.

!!!!!! TO CALL YOUR CELL PHONE WHEN YOU CAN'T FIND IT !!!!

I was going into complete panic mode. We were leaving and I could not find my cell phone. I kept thinking what am I going to do. I thought about running to the neighbors and having her call it. Then I realized it would be a 3 mile run over there and back. Oh yeah I could drive over there and tell her wait 5 minutes and call. Then I thought she will think I am crazy. So forget that idea. I finally found it. I had put it in the box of girl scout badges I had been ironing on.

My kids have been wanting cell phones. Maybe I will get them one so when I lose mine I can use theirs to call mine.

If the lady at the phone company would of said "How are you going to call your cell phone when you can't find it?"

Those few simple words and we might still have our landline phone. Maybe I should call the phone company and tell them to put that at the top of their ten reasons you need a landline phone.

So before you disconnect your landline phone ask yourself " How will I call my cell phone when I can't find it?"

I have readers....

I have 4 loyal readers and I thank you. Actually I have 5 but one didn't leave a comment. I know he is out there though because he has mentioned my posts before.

So to my 5 loyal readers thank you.

Melissa was correct it isn't so much that people are reading as it is I have no idea who is reading.

Gina, I had forgotten all about the napkin that looked like toilet paper. I laughed so hard when I read your comment, I am laughing now. That was the funniest day ever.

OK for funny stories... this is a good short one.

I was helping a friend move and we were a bit delirious from being so busy all day.

We were both going up the stairs at the same time. About half way up she decided to pretend to race me. She said something like ready, set, go and started to run up the stairs. I
started to run, then the idea came. I was going to run up the stairs and at the last minute leap for the top stair and yell I WON !! But the thought of doing that was to funny so I fell down on the stairs laughing and could not stop laughing. She turned and said I was kidding. I said I know I was going to leap for the top stair and yell I won. But when I thought how funny it was I just stopped and laughed.

This was so funny we both sat on the stairs laughing, thankful we were the only ones there to witness our silliness.